Skeletons in my Closet
About a year and a half ago, I worked for the Hatchet. I know, I know. I should have been honest with you sooner. I’m sorry. But I had been offered a humor columnist position there and decided to go for it.
They wanted a piece for their senior issue and I wrote something up. What they published was watered down and edited to pieces. They did this with out any discussion with me, and even changed the title of my article. It was called “In The Real World: Graduation Advice From A Rising Junior.” They added the part before the colon.
I was angry and let them know that. However, I decided to keep trying. They asked me to write a piece for the incoming Freshman to give out at CI. I would love to, I said! When they received my final draft, they told me it could never be published in the Hatchet. They asked me to take out anything mildly offensive and maybe just make it into a bullet-point list. They were also upset because I made fun of the fact they edited my last article.
I’d like to finally share this article with the world. Here is my unpublished Hatchet humor column in it’s entirety:
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Attention Freshmen, Travis Helwig is Very Attractive
Oh, hello class of 2011. I didn’t see you there. You look bright eyed, bushy tailed and eager to get down to some drinking. But before you throw away your Presidential aspirations on two girls, a guy, and a MiniDV tape, we need to set some ground rules. These are rules that you can’t find anywhere else but this column. Oh, well, besides that “College Prowler Guide to GW” they sell at the bookstore. It’s all in there. But class of 2011, please don’t be nervous. Your freshman year is all about fun, friends and fucking. Nothing bad can happen your freshman year.
That being said, you will probably die. Yes, it’s true. 78% of GW Freshmen die during their first semester. I mean, there are the obvious causes of death like alcohol poisoning, suicide, and too little mana. However, not many people know that most of the deaths are a result of gang violence. Yep, nice ol’ GW is home to the one of the deadliest gang wars in history. I’m not gonna name any names, but watch out for the College [blank]ocrats and the College [blank]publicans. And don’t wear red or blue.
Don’t forget to practice abstinence. Sex is just not cool at GW and if you have sex, you will obviously get an STD and have a baby. While the baby is a gift from God, the process is a tool of Satan. Remember that.
Keeping with the same vein, Sundays are for your Sunday best. It’s a GW ritual for all good Colonials to put on their bonnets and buckles and head over to St. Mark’s Roman Catholic Church for mass. That place is great! The sermon is always poignant, the Eucharist is always tasty and Jesus Christ is always praying for Colonial basketball dominance. Or at least for the men.
We always call our school G-Dub! Only losers, nerds and geeks say “GW,” and trust me, no one wants to be a loser, nerd or geek. First, you start saying GW and next you’re playing cricket in University Yard. It’s the gateway drug to loneliness.
I almost forgot! New President Stephan Knapp has required that all attractive freshmen girls have sexual intercourse with me. While I don’t know why he has made this a rule, I guess I’m just going to have to live with it. Based on their Facebook pictures, I will judge which freshmen have looks that will suffice for my needs. They will be notified via Poke. Although I have a girlfriend, it’s a long distance thing and we know how much of a joke those are. And if you don’t get poked, don’t worry! Just buy bigger sunglasses and tighter spandex. That always works.
Also, everything at 7-11 is free if you are drunk. Little known fact.
Keep in mind, that if you are a libertarian or own a Microsoft Zune, everyone already hates you. Don’t bother making friends. If you fall into both categories… I’m sorry.
All GW (G-Dub!) students rub the hippo’s nose before every exam. It gives you good luck so you don’t get caught cheating on your test. If you do get caught cheating, rub your professor.
Remember, Travis Helwig is very attractive. This isn’t debatable.
Never, ever, ever, drink before a ReceSs comedy show. It will be obvious when you are the only loud and belligerent member of the audience.
If you ever write a humor column for The Hatchet, remember to use as many drug, sex and obscene references as possible. And don’t forget to use curse words! (example: Meth, Vulva, Manslaughter, Twat).
I can’t stress enough that you need to watch out for the gang violence. Even when they try to do something good, it results in death. Last year, two members of the “Red-State” gang were crucified on a buff and blue cross for simply giving out cake on Valentine’s Day! They murder for anything.
Everyone should know by now that CI#4 is lame. If you don’t know why, you are probably lame.
If you want potential lays to be impressed, make sure you loudly threaten the country every time you walk by the White House. Who isn’t attracted to danger? Not to mention those 9 months in jail will definitely add to your edge.
Finally, you don’t want to miss the massive President’s Day L.A.R.P. battle. Everyone participates, so get your Styrofoam swords and duct tape ready.
I guess that about sums it up. As a GW freshman you have a responsibility to follow these rules as if they were written down in front of you. Well, I guess they are written down in front of you. Now this whole thing is kind of awkward.
Now I know you will probably disregard this entire article, but I just want you to remember one thing. You can have unprotected sex with as many people as you want, just remember to practice abstinence. Hail to the Buff, Blue and our savior Jesus Christ!
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If only that made it into the hands of every freshman student and family member!
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Comments
seems like the anonymous commenter in the first comment is a little peeved about being left out of the most recent 2140 G post…
I don’t know why people get so upset about editors doing there job, which is, you know, editing a piece. They changed the headline, how shocking since even in a real newspaper the reporter or columnist doesn’t decide the headline running. That’s the job of the copy editor; have you ever noticed that even syndicated columnists will have different headlines in other newspapers? It primarily a space issue.
While that is a hilarious column, it’s bizarre that you had any belief that it could run in any issue of the Hatchet beside the April Fools Day edition.
“All GW (G-Dub!) students rub the hippo’s nose before every exam. It gives you good luck so you don’t get caught cheating on your test. If you do get caught cheating, rub your professor.” hahaha
Sounds like you’re just pissed at the Opinions editor, yet you hate on the whole rag… Eh, a grudge is a grudge, ’suppose….
anonymous 1: The Hatchet might require that you quote your poems in proper MLA format, but you’re on The Colonialist…post that thing in full! Here, I’ll do it for you:
“Looks like”
Looks like someone ran out of material for their blog
hasn’t gotten over rejection issues.
travis: Cheer up!
anonymous 2: I’m not sure what you mean, but it seems like you’re making fun of anonymous 1; proceed.
anonymous 3: Carry on
anonymous 4: Just because your articles get changed because of your terrible syntax/grammar/etc doesn’t mean all articles can be hacked up.
Generally, humor pieces need to be left as written, else the “funny” is excised. No one wants that, do you want that?
Why is it bizarre to think that “a hilarious column” — regardless of content — could be posted in the Humor section of a newspaper? You’re silly!
anonymous 5: I don’t speak for Travis here, but Travis’ experience is “symptomatic;” it is not an “isolated incident.”
“I had been offered a humor columnist position [at the Hatchet] and decided to go for it.”
(That’s a quote from the post we’re commenting on)
“…Humor section of a newspaper”
(That’s a quote from the comment I was commenting on).
As you might know, “humor columnist” is not a section of the paper.
Perhaps that’s because “humor columnist” is the “person” who “writes” the “humor column.” The “humor column” is “frequently” “located in the” “opinions section” of the “newspaper;” the “column itself” could be called a “Humor section” because it’s the “only intentionally humorous part of the paper in question.”
Anonymous 4, you’re almost my favorite commenter.
I’d be interested to know if any of authors of the anonymous comments have written for the Hatchet - because I have, and my experience is the same as Travis’. The issue is not the editors doing their job - the issue is editors taking too many liberties with their “corrections”, changing the entire tone of the article or your writing style. On more than one occasion, I have submitted a correct article, only to have the printed piece be riddled with falsities. Have you ever been yelled at by a school administrator for someone else’s mistake? It isn’t helpful, and neither is the Hatchet.
for the record, people inside the hatchet told me you asked to write a humor piece. you certainly were not offered one
What the hell is that comment supposed to accomplish (i’m referencing the post directly above this one)? “For the record” doesn’t mean anything. There is no record there are only valid and invalid points. You haven’t made one, you’ve tried to undercut Travis’ narrative with some snide reference to the Hatchet’s reactionary agenda as being excusable because “he asked” to write something funny and not the other way around. That does not change the fact that the Hatchet’s agenda is reactionary and static, which is the point that people have been trying to make.
Is that your idea of Hatchet investigative reporting? Because its contentless, irrelevant, and passive aggresive, - the type of comment designed not to resolve a real issue but distract attention from what’s really at stake; so interested in “winning” the argument that you haven’t taken stock of what the argument is really about. I think this is ultimately stems from a vainglorious paradigm of journalism that thinks objectivity: 1) is possible 2) involves giving two arguments equal time, even if one of them is a terrible argument.
I seriously believe your comment is indicative of a deeply irrational perception of what constitutes proper human interaction.
-max
Also, it is interesting that people who appear to like the Hatchet read this blog - no attempt has been made to hide the dislike of the Hatchet on this forum, so it would appear that they are just trying to pick a fight.
“for the record, people inside the hatchet told me you asked to write a humor piece. you certainly were not offered one”
Nope. Erin Shea gave the opinions editor my name as she left last year as someone who would be good for a humor column, which they were looking for.
Then, someone at the Hatchet emailed me.
Why does this even matter? I did not assume this would be the post that led to a comment war.
OMGSCANDAL
I was going to post something in the same vein as Max’s comment, but mine wasn’t going to use the word “vainglorious,” so I’m glad he posted first.
Lindsey, I think it’s a good thing that people who like the Hatchet post & read our blog, it keeps the dialogue going.
Travis, good factfinding…cheer up!
So I’m sitting here in the “real world,” having graduated from GW last May. Yes I’m at my first job after graduation…posting on a GW-centric blog….my job is obviously very interesting and challenging. All I really want to say is that I am really excited that my name came up in the comments of this post. Also, what Travis is mostly true. He did ask me to ask the opinions editor if he could write a humor column though. Remember Travis? We were sitting in Kogan Plaza I think in April. But I agree that it doesn’t really matter.
I think your article is funny, as is the rest of this blog which is probably why I read it even though I don’t go to GW anymore. I told you this on New Year’s Eve though-remember I accidentally called it the DCist? Oh good times…*E-hug*
[...] freshmen that the Hatchet said would never be published in their paper. I originally posted it here, and it spawned a massive comment debate about the editorial integrity of the Hatchet and my secret [...]
Looks like someone ran out of material for their blog / hasn’t gotten over rejection issues