What Stereotype Will You Be 2012?
It’s summer. I have better things to do than think about GW. However, after seeing the front page of the CI issue of the Hatchet I couldn’t help it.
The Hatchet poses an excellent question to incoming freshmen: WHAT STEREOTYPE WILL YOU BE?
Will you play sports? Will you play guitar? Will you drink beer out of a can, a keg, or solo cups? Will you be Vishal Aswani? THESE THINGS ARE VERY IMPORTANT!
This mentality is what is exactly what The Colonialist has been trying to change about GW culture. GW is divisive. The democrats hate the republicans. The republicans hate the SA. The SA hates the Hatchet. The Hatchet hates us. We hate everyone. This is stupid. If we ever want to foster an actual GW community, this type of thinking needs to stop. Despite what the Hatchet says, you are not the student organization you join. If you are new to this blog, you can read more about our thoughts on this here.
Also note that we will update our content much more frequently once we are back in Foggy Bottom.
That being said, we want to hear from the class of 2012. Ask us your questions about GW. Write us some thoughts about what your CI experience was like. Let’s have an honest discourse. GW fucking sucks some times but it also can be a really great place. Understand that and you will have a much better time here at GW.
I was planning on going through group by group and telling you my honest opinion of every student org, but I can do that in one sentence: Bhangra is the only student org worth anything.
If you are reading this and you’re not a freshman, remember we need word of mouth support. If you read this blog, tell some new students about us. We had a large readership in our graduating class, and we need to make up for that. Help us out and we’ll give you free drugs. (I hope we get a lot of hits off google for the term “Free Drugs.”) Also, leave a comment giving the incoming class your own advice for how to survive here at GW. Remember how terrified and excited you were before you became cynical. Help a brother out.
What advice can I give you? Not much. I’d just say keep your head up. Coming to school is terrifying and most of us have a terrible first semester. You’ll cling to friends you don’t really like and have a hard time doing work. It’ll pass. The transition just takes some time.
I also wrote an advice column for last years incoming freshmen that the Hatchet said would never be published in their paper. I originally posted it here, and it spawned a massive comment debate about the editorial integrity of the Hatchet and my secret grudge against their staff. The truth is, I hated the paper before I ever worked for them.
Even though this was written for 2011, I feel like it is even more appropriate for 2012. But here it is, for your eyes only Freshmen. My advice to you:
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Attention Freshmen, Travis Helwig is Very Attractive
Oh, hello class of 2011. I didn’t see you there. You look bright eyed, bushy tailed and eager to get down to some drinking. But before you throw away your Presidential aspirations on two girls, a guy, and a MiniDV tape, we need to set some ground rules. These are rules that you can’t find anywhere else but this column. Oh, well, besides that “College Prowler Guide to GW” they sell at the bookstore. It’s all in there. But class of 2011, please don’t be nervous. Your freshman year is all about fun, friends and fucking. Nothing bad can happen your freshman year.
That being said, you will probably die. Yes, it’s true. 78% of GW Freshmen die during their first semester. I mean, there are the obvious causes of death like alcohol poisoning, suicide, and too little mana. However, not many people know that most of the deaths are a result of gang violence. Yep, nice ol’ GW is home to the one of the deadliest gang wars in history. I’m not gonna name any names, but watch out for the College [blank]ocrats and the College [blank]publicans. And don’t wear red or blue.
Don’t forget to practice abstinence. Sex is just not cool at GW and if you have sex, you will obviously get an STD and have a baby. While the baby is a gift from God, the process is a tool of Satan. Remember that.
Keeping with the same vein, Sundays are for your Sunday best. It’s a GW ritual for all good Colonials to put on their bonnets and buckles and head over to St. Mark’s Roman Catholic Church for mass. That place is great! The sermon is always poignant, the Eucharist is always tasty and Jesus Christ is always praying for Colonial basketball dominance. Or at least for the men.
We always call our school G-Dub! Only losers, nerds and geeks say “GW,” and trust me, no one wants to be a loser, nerd or geek. First, you start saying GW and next you’re playing cricket in University Yard. It’s the gateway drug to loneliness.
I almost forgot! New President Stephan Knapp has required that all attractive freshmen girls have sexual intercourse with me. While I don’t know why he has made this a rule, I guess I’m just going to have to live with it. Based on their Facebook pictures, I will judge which freshmen have looks that will suffice for my needs. They will be notified via Poke. Although I have a girlfriend, it’s a long distance thing and we know how much of a joke those are. And if you don’t get poked, don’t worry! Just buy bigger sunglasses and tighter spandex. That always works.
Also, everything at 7-11 is free if you are drunk. Little known fact.
Keep in mind, that if you are a libertarian or own a Microsoft Zune, everyone already hates you. Don’t bother making friends. If you fall into both categories… I’m sorry.
All GW (G-Dub!) students rub the hippo’s nose before every exam. It gives you good luck so you don’t get caught cheating on your test. If you do get caught cheating, rub your professor.
Remember, Travis Helwig is very attractive. This isn’t debatable.
Never, ever, ever, drink before a ReceSs comedy show. It will be obvious when you are the only loud and belligerent member of the audience.
If you ever write a humor column for The Hatchet, remember to use as many drug, sex and obscene references as possible. And don’t forget to use curse words! (example: Meth, Vulva, Manslaughter, Twat).
I can’t stress enough that you need to watch out for the gang violence. Even when they try to do something good, it results in death. Last year, two members of the “Red-State” gang were crucified on a buff and blue cross for simply giving out cake on Valentine’s Day! They murder for anything.
Everyone should know by now that CI#4 is lame. If you don’t know why, you are probably lame.
If you want potential lays to be impressed, make sure you loudly threaten the country every time you walk by the White House. Who isn’t attracted to danger? Not to mention those 9 months in jail will definitely add to your edge.
Finally, you don’t want to miss the massive President’s Day L.A.R.P. battle. Everyone participates, so get your Styrofoam swords and duct tape ready.
I guess that about sums it up. As a GW freshman you have a responsibility to follow these rules as if they were written down in front of you. Well, I guess they are written down in front of you. Now this whole thing is kind of awkward.
Now I know you will probably disregard this entire article, but I just want you to remember one thing. You can have unprotected sex with as many people as you want, just remember to practice abstinence. Hail to the Buff, Blue and our savior Jesus Christ!
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Welcome to GW. Wear a condom. Spread the word.
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Comments
Well, there goes my innocent view of GW and my beliefs that everyone prances around with love for their fellow students. I must say, after reading this entire article, not only have I fostered a hate for The Hatchet, even though I’ve never read a single article from them (remind me to do so), but I’ve also determined that I’m going to be the coolest sober kid, or the soberest loser kid on campus. Thanks Colonialist!
Oh, and I wish I had read this before registering for CI #4. Damn.
haha i LOVED the advice, I now feel prepared to come to GW–thank you veryy much.. I mean, now I’m super afraid of getting STD’s @ gdubs (<– see you’ve already made me cooler) but I guess if I take your advice I won’t have to worry about it! and from what I’ve heard, this kid above me won’t stay sober for long : )
they should’ve let you publish this!!
Like acting? Like watching people pretend to be people they’re not? Then go see the Student Theater Council’s CI Showcase. The second night of each CI at 11:00. DO IT! All three student theater groups are going to be there, plus there is a sweet scene from Christopher Durang’s “Beyond Therapy”. DO IT!
Travis, this post is extremely masturbatory. I am tired of reading your rejected Hatchet letter. I’m also pretty sure you never worked for them. I could be wrong about that, though. You do offer good advice to incoming freshmen though. My first semester blew chunks. Also, why didn’t you come to my housewarming party?
Erin-
All of my posts are masturbatory. Don’t you know that? But hey we also were the first to report on Jake Sherman making the UWire list. Did the hatchet report or even congratulate us on US News? Nope.
I didn’t come to your housewarming cause my house burnt down.
Travis,
Frankly I find your post offensive and an affront to any incoming freshman who is from a small town or sparsely populated area and trying to fit in at a school as diverse as GW. While I am now a graduate of the university I still keep an eye on things and several members of the incoming class of 2012 have approached me about getting involved with several student organizations that I was a part of. I don’t consider myself to be a part of any stereotype and nor should anyone because people aren’t stereotypes, they are people and those who stereotype others are rude and unintelligent Any incoming freshman that would take your satirical advice seriously should never have been admitted because they are probably at your low intelligence level and I have warned half a dozen to stay away from you at all cost. If freedom of speech didn’t exist in its current form the University would be allowed to investigate you for your truly offensive editorial.
PS: While I am Jewish and don’t believe that Christ is the savior and all of that I am pretty sure you have committed a few sins through your words, but only G-D can judge you for that
dude, EBK, you’re your own stereotype.
also, get over it, move on from GW the real world is a much scarier place.
EBK AIRBALL.
Anyway, while the constant repostings of your Hatchet letter get a little old, I suppose we can’t fault you for it. The activity of blogging is, by its very nature, highly masturbatory.
My only advice to the bright-eyed, bushy-tailed kids of the Class of 2012:
Beware of party drinks that don’t taste alcoholic.
“Any incoming freshman that would take your satirical advice seriously should never have been admitted”
I agree. Because it’s satire. So they shouldn’t take it seriously. But thanks for pointing that out.
At the risk of writing something totally obvious that everyone else already knows but will ensure that I feel that everyone else knows how I feel about something that is totally obvious, you’re an idiot.
Attention Freshmen, Travis Helwig is Very Attractive
Oh, hello class of 2011. I didn’t see you there. You look bright eyed, bushy tailed and eager to get down to some drinking. But before you throw away your Presidential aspirations on two girls, a guy, and a MiniDV tape, we need to set some ground rules. These are rules that you can’t find anywhere else but this column. Oh, well, besides that “College Prowler Guide to GW” they sell at the bookstore. It’s all in there. But class of 2011, please don’t be nervous. Your freshman year is all about fun, friends and fucking. Nothing bad can happen your freshman year.
That being said, you will probably die. Yes, it’s true. 78% of GW Freshmen die during their first semester. I mean, there are the obvious causes of death like alcohol poisoning, suicide, and too little mana. However, not many people know that most of the deaths are a result of gang violence. Yep, nice ol’ GW is home to the one of the deadliest gang wars in history. I’m not gonna name any names, but watch out for the College [blank]ocrats and the College [blank]publicans. And don’t wear red or blue.
Don’t forget to practice abstinence. Sex is just not cool at GW and if you have sex, you will obviously get an STD and have a baby. While the baby is a gift from God, the process is a tool of Satan. Remember that.
Keeping with the same vein, Sundays are for your Sunday best. It’s a GW ritual for all good Colonials to put on their bonnets and buckles and head over to St. Mark’s Roman Catholic Church for mass. That place is great! The sermon is always poignant, the Eucharist is always tasty and Jesus Christ is always praying for Colonial basketball dominance. Or at least for the men.
We always call our school G-Dub! Only losers, nerds and geeks say “GW,” and trust me, no one wants to be a loser, nerd or geek. First, you start saying GW and next you’re playing cricket in University Yard. It’s the gateway drug to loneliness.
I almost forgot! New President Stephan Knapp has required that all attractive freshmen girls have sexual intercourse with me. While I don’t know why he has made this a rule, I guess I’m just going to have to live with it. Based on their Facebook pictures, I will judge which freshmen have looks that will suffice for my needs. They will be notified via Poke. Although I have a girlfriend, it’s a long distance thing and we know how much of a joke those are. And if you don’t get poked, don’t worry! Just buy bigger sunglasses and tighter spandex. That always works.
Also, everything at 7-11 is free if you are drunk. Little known fact.
Keep in mind, that if you are a libertarian or own a Microsoft Zune, everyone already hates you. Don’t bother making friends. If you fall into both categories… I’m sorry.
All GW (G-Dub!) students rub the hippo’s nose before every exam. It gives you good luck so you don’t get caught cheating on your test. If you do get caught cheating, rub your professor.
Remember, Travis Helwig is very attractive. This isn’t debatable.
Never, ever, ever, drink before a ReceSs comedy show. It will be obvious when you are the only loud and belligerent member of the audience.
If you ever write a humor column for The Hatchet, remember to use as many drug, sex and obscene references as possible. And don’t forget to use curse words! (example: Meth, Vulva, Manslaughter, Twat).
I can’t stress enough that you need to watch out for the gang violence. Even when they try to do something good, it results in death. Last year, two members of the “Red-State” gang were crucified on a buff and blue cross for simply giving out cake on Valentine’s Day! They murder for anything.
Everyone should know by now that CI#4 is lame. If you don’t know why, you are probably lame.
If you want potential lays to be impressed, make sure you loudly threaten the country every time you walk by the White House. Who isn’t attracted to danger? Not to mention those 9 months in jail will definitely add to your edge.
Finally, you don’t want to miss the massive President’s Day L.A.R.P. battle. Everyone participates, so get your Styrofoam swords and duct tape ready.
I guess that about sums it up. As a GW freshman you have a responsibility to follow these rules as if they were written down in front of you. Well, I guess they are written down in front of you. Now this whole thing is kind of awkward.
Now I know you will probably disregard this entire article, but I just want you to remember one thing. You can have unprotected sex with as many people as you want, just remember to practice abstinence. Hail to the Buff, Blue and our savior Jesus Christ!
Wow…what is wrong with people who go to this school? WHY DOESN’T ANYONE RECOGNIZE SATIRE WHEN IT SLAPS THEM IN THE FACE?
That said, I wholeheartedly agree with everything said. Class of 2012, heed Travis’ advice as if he were The Love Guru.
Darbi - chill with the righteous indignation, buddy. So far, EBK is the only person who has posted that didn’t catch the fact that the post is satirical.
Actually, he did catch that fact, but somehow forgot what it meant and still managed to take the entire thing seriously.
My advice to the class of ‘12: If you are walking past the Marvin Center and some Jewish kid with a Red Sox jacket, a Red Sox cap, a “Seal of the President of the United States” pin on his lapel, and a backpack with stickers and pins that say things like “Friends don’t let friends vote Republican,” just keep walking. You have just met EBK, and for some reason graduation hasn’t gotten rid of him.
We treat him like a homeless person, only we don’t give him liquor for fighting other EBKs on video.
If I ever come back to GW I’m going to wear that Sox jacket with pride just so every member of the Class of 2012 can spot me in a crowd! ::smirk::
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